Now, I don’t need to be eaten a whole footlong, but it’s only a dollar more than the six inch. I skip the chips and a drink cause I’m just crazy that way. So I deserve the footlong, you see.

And I’m gonna get everything on it cause that’s what I like and it don’t cost extra. So it’s gonna be huge by the time they’re done a make’in it and it’s gonna be hard to hold by the time I get to grabbin it.

So “How did it get so damned saucy?” you’re asken. Well, I like the light mayonnaise and the Southwestern Sauce. I can’t really control how much they put on. I mean, I want more than a little, but not a lot. I can’t stop’em from a squeezin if it gets to lookin like too much, you understand.

So then you’re asken, “Why don’t you lean over the damned table when you sit down to eat ya dinna?” Well, I do, but sometimes somethin gets to fallin, and then it just a keeps a rollin until it hits my lap. All I can do is hope there aint no sauce on it.View This Poll

I explained all of this to her and she still didn’t believe I was a talented cooker. She thought I was being cocky or perhaps even over-confident.

So when I heard that Thanksgiving was coming up this year, I jumped at the opportunity to make squash casserole. And it may sound like I’m boasting or perhaps even bragging, but my dish was the best in the whole house again. And it was the first time I ever made it. I’m not lying.

But one thing was different this time. My critic – her, was there to taste the stuff I cooked for her self, right there. And it was good. So if she’s reading this, I have a message for her to look at.

Ha! I told ya I could cook, didn’t I? You didn’t think I could. But now ya know I can, right? Told ya! Ha!

-Why???? You’ll notice that no where in the piece did anyone give a reason as to WHY

-Who the hell are “The Roots”? Do they really deserve a place in this discussion?

-Is this REALLY torture? Listening to Arabic music is torture.

-Roseanne Cash commented that “Music should never be used as torture.”, so Ms. Cash, please stop.

-She went on to say that “This goes beyond the pale”. So what kind of torture in your mind, Ms. Cash, does not go “beyond the pale”? And, do you even know where that expression started? Anti-semite!

-Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine said that we need to “close Guantanamo now”. I agree. Let’s put them in the federal prison system so they can be somebody’s bitch and then get shanked.

-A music executive said “they turned a jukebox into an instrument of torture”. No, that was the Fifties.

-He also said the public deserves to know how music was turned into a method of “enhanced interrogation”. I agree. There would be a lot less domestic violence.

I like to read about the human condition, including psychology. And I came across some nifty stats. About 4% of America is certifiable sociopathic. And about 7% of America is homosexual (certifiable too). My gadar is phenomenal, but that’s another blog.

I like math, so I decided to apply some simple multiplication and create my own new ground-breaking news to the industry. Approximately .28% of Americans are gay sociopaths. Yes.

Now, I strongly believe that both conditions are strictly biological and hereditary. So, there could be some DNA composition of one that wards-off the other. Oops, I forgot about Jeffrey Dahmer. Oops, does he fall under the “JFK, Aids, Not Funny” category? I’ll move on.

So, 1 in about every 360 people you meet are gay sociopaths. Yes, I know; it’s hard to fathom. I’m just sayin.

Out come the wooden blocks – letters upon them lest they be the dangerous phantom squares. “How do you spell pasta?” she says. “I don’t know” say I with a whole lotta smirk.

The ominous green book is there, somewhere. It always is.

“P A S T A H, “Let’s see…that’s 2,3,4…8….12 points”. “Hmmm” I say. I keep my game face but I know I am going to challenge. I must. Not because she’s wrong, but for principle. If I must lose in defense of the English language, then so be it.

“I challenge” I say with a stern tone but incredulous smile. She reaches for the book like she knew where it was all along. It’s her companion.

“Pas…Past, Pasta, Pastah!, the Greek term for Jet Ski”.

I check for myself. Not because she would lie, but as a playful joust at her character. It’s there, and so is every other conceivable combination of letters.

In fact (not really) in there you can find the Spanish term for “electric fence”, the ebonics term for “tennis”, and the German term for “sparkling wine”.

I rather enjoy losing to a girl. Thank you Scrabble Dictionary.

I’m, umm..an accountant…and thank god I don’t have to wear a suit. It helps. Otherwise, I’d probably never leave my corporate sanctum for fear of being lynched by the “working class”. Am I exaggerating? Perhaps a little. But check this out-

Have you seen those Quizno’s or Domino’s advertisments that claim their new product would be FREE!, but…..”the accountants wouldn’t let us”? I hope folks are smarter than that. Not just smarter than to think accountants set prices, but also smarter than to find the commercial clever whatsoever.

And here’s the meat of my piece: If I tell somebody I’m an accountant, I get a painful look with condolences and a sincere pledge that “I could never do that”. My prime example: The other day, I go to see my optometrist. When the nurse calls me back, the first thing she says is “So, what is a corporate tax accountant?”.

I explained the best I could. It took a while. Her response? “Oh gawsh, I could never brang myself to do thayat”. Once again, I am at a loss for words. And all the while, I was rather expecting the staff to joke with me about my new self-acclaimed nickname “T-Bone”, as per the patient questionnaire.

So, after some reflection, I came to a profound realization that there is a dreadful double standard in America for which I am a hapless victim. It’s the “White Collar – Lawdy Yo Job Sucks!” double standard. If I told her I clean gutters, would she have said “Ouch!, that must be really boring and tedious”? No, because that would be rude and insensitive……………………………

So the irony here is that a lot of people don’t seem to know what a corporate tax accountant is, but they sure as hell aint gonna do it.

Yes – to these and other like rules of etiquette. Not for my own sake, but for the assurance that I am promoting civility; the kind that gives me a leg up should these people be unstable.

And many men have abided by this contract – forced upon them. They have directed their own whole existence by the power of fabulous threats and promises.

And…I just thought you should know that…

This is but what I witness in a small corner of a third floor of an office building. I am resigned to not be a participant.

We all know the folklore. But this needs to be said: I’m not a “Bless You” man. Not for any malcontent ease however. And that’s where my story begins.

You see, I’ve had happen to sneaze on occasion while there. And I’ve received many a “Bless You” – but often times, not. And I am made to feel unseen. Not because she said no “Bless You”, but because she had before and not hereto.

Why no “Bless You”? Is it because I am not he? Or because I am nay to say it? And what of the silence that follows? It ruminates and pulsates and I can almost feel it.

Is this not an awkward and discriminate moment? If one speaks “Bless You” to a man, should he not speak it to another? Would that man not be made to feel affronted?

I think perhaps.

And how could Stevens make the whole experience less tiresome?  He could go into essay mode by taking five minutes to explain why a particular door is special, or he could continue to return simple one-sentence answers to a constant barrage of Forest Gump questions.  It’s a tuff call.

But it’s beneath me to begrudge somebody because they are dim-witted.  The guy is really doing the best he can.  He’s being professional and there is a noticeable reverence on display.  He’s obviously not listening intently to Stevens’ answers, but I doubt that would matter.  Besides, if he did listen, he might get confused and be unprepared to shoot-off another question without an interlude.  That my friends….exactly THAT…… is his talent.

Hey, I’m sure the man has asked dozens of interesting questions over his lifetime – while off camera.  So again, I hold nothing personal towards him.  I’m just sayin…