Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

Musicians Demand Gitmo Torture Song List

October 25, 2009 Leave a comment

This news story got me thinking:

-Why???? You’ll notice that no where in the piece did anyone give a reason as to WHY

-Who the hell are “The Roots”? Do they really deserve a place in this discussion?

-Is this REALLY torture? Listening to Arabic music is torture.

-Roseanne Cash commented that “Music should never be used as torture.”, so Ms. Cash, please stop.

-She went on to say that “This goes beyond the pale”. So what kind of torture in your mind, Ms. Cash, does not go “beyond the pale”? And, do you even know where that expression started? Anti-semite!

-Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine said that we need to “close Guantanamo now”. I agree. Let’s put them in the federal prison system so they can be somebody’s bitch and then get shanked.

-A music executive said “they turned a jukebox into an instrument of torture”. No, that was the Fifties.

-He also said the public deserves to know how music was turned into a method of “enhanced interrogation”. I agree. There would be a lot less domestic violence.


The Scrabble Dictionary

October 17, 2009 Leave a comment

The light of day begins to fade but the humidity stays. The insects begin to chirp and I am caught in the moment. A gameboard sits before me and my worthy opponent is there. She stares.

Out come the wooden blocks – letters upon them lest they be the dangerous phantom squares. “How do you spell pasta?” she says. “I don’t know” say I with a whole lotta smirk.

The ominous green book is there, somewhere. It always is.

“P A S T A H, “Let’s see…that’s 2,3,4…8….12 points”. “Hmmm” I say. I keep my game face but I know I am going to challenge. I must. Not because she’s wrong, but for principle. If I must lose in defense of the English language, then so be it.

“I challenge” I say with a stern tone but incredulous smile. She reaches for the book like she knew where it was all along. It’s her companion.

“Pas…Past, Pasta, Pastah!, the Greek term for Jet Ski”.

I check for myself. Not because she would lie, but as a playful joust at her character. It’s there, and so is every other conceivable combination of letters.

In fact (not really) in there you can find the Spanish term for “electric fence”, the ebonics term for “tennis”, and the German term for “sparkling wine”.

I rather enjoy losing to a girl. Thank you Scrabble Dictionary.

Categories: All Categories, Funny, Poetic

Lawdy! I Could Never Do That!

October 17, 2009 1 comment

Do you have a “blue collar” job? If so, then I heartily congratulate you on finding a living that puts you on the side of the people. Ya get ya hands dirtehh. And ya woyk for a livin! You’re one of those “working families” that politicians talk about. You’re the heralded “middle class” and the backbone of America.

I’m, accountant…and thank god I don’t have to wear a suit. It helps. Otherwise, I’d probably never leave my corporate sanctum for fear of being lynched by the “working class”. Am I exaggerating? Perhaps a little. But check this out-

Have you seen those Quizno’s or Domino’s advertisments that claim their new product would be FREE!, but…..”the accountants wouldn’t let us”? I hope folks are smarter than that. Not just smarter than to think accountants set prices, but also smarter than to find the commercial clever whatsoever.

And here’s the meat of my piece: If I tell somebody I’m an accountant, I get a painful look with condolences and a sincere pledge that “I could never do that”. My prime example: The other day, I go to see my optometrist. When the nurse calls me back, the first thing she says is “So, what is a corporate tax accountant?”.

I explained the best I could. It took a while. Her response? “Oh gawsh, I could never brang myself to do thayat”. Once again, I am at a loss for words. I was expecting to receive praise and adulation for my new self-ascribed nickname “T-Bone” written free-hand style on the questionaire – ink still not dry.

So, after some reflection, I came to a profound realization that there is a dreadful double standard in America for which I am a hapless victim. It’s the “White Collar – Lawdy Yo Job Sucks!” double standard. If I told her I clean gutters, would she have said “Ouch!, that must be really boring and tedious”? No, because that would be rude and insensitive……………………………

The irony here is that a lot of people don’t seem to know what a corporate tax accountant is, but they sure as hell aint gonna do it.

I May Sneeze, but Shalln’t

October 12, 2009 1 comment

“Achoo” says he. “Bless You” says she. “Thank you” says he.

We all know the folklore. But this needs to be said: I’m not a “Bless You” man. Not for any malcontent ease however. And that’s where my story begins.

You see, I’ve had happen to sneeze on occasion. And I’ve received many a “Bless You” – but often times, not. And I am made to feel unseen. Not because she said no “Bless You”, but because she had before and not hereto.

Why no “Bless You”? Is it because I am not he? Or because I am nay to say it? And what of the silence that follows? It ruminates and pulsates and I can almost feel it.

Is this not an awkward and discriminate moment? If one speaks “Bless You” to a man, should he not speak it to another? Would that man not be made to feel affronted?